Talk About It: Overcoming Toxic Loyalties, Shame & Anger


By Blake D. Bauer

Whatever you’re struggling with, whatever you feel shame or pain or frustration around, please find someone safe to talk to. Please don’t reject your inner world in the name of pride or survival or a toxic loyalty you have toward someone, because it will only make you sick or more unwell. Likewise, please do not abandon your emotional life or pain in the name of ‘being enlightened or spiritual.’ Pretending you don’t have emotions, fear or desire is not true wisdom.

There is a very big difference between not reacting impulsively to everything that arises within you and repressing your inner truth in the name of a false peace. Internalizing our feelings, needs, or calling is often a crutch for a simple lack of education around how to express ourselves honestly and kindly. Embodying true awareness and love arises as we learn to fill our thoughts, words and actions with gentleness and clarity, especially when we’re triggered, hurt and angry.

From an early age, many individuals learn that expressing their emotions, desires, and aspirations is discouraged. They are often told to suppress their tears, remain silent, or find their expressions dismissed or criticized. Common responses include being told to be more practical, less sensitive, or stronger. As a result, individuals internalize these messages, distancing themselves from deeply meaningful experiences of magic, beauty, and connection.

In adulthood, these childhood patterns frequently resurface in current life scenarios. It’s crucial to reflect on how fear, guilt, shame, or self-doubt might be hindering the honest and vulnerable expression of personal feelings, needs, and dreams. A common realization is the self-rejection, judgment, denial, repression, and abandonment of significant aspects of oneself. These neglected parts are often seeking recognition and respect at present.

You are meant to grow and you were designed to self-heal constantly

Our innate ability to grow and heal can’t take its natural course if we keep concealing or judging our inner experiences.

When you cling to a false self-image, or when loyalty to a partner, family member, job, or friend becomes harmful, it’s essential to reflect. Ask yourself why you’re hiding your true self to preserve these bonds or the persona you’ve created. Each day brings a chance to evaluate whether it’s worth exchanging your valuable time, energy, and well-being for continuing to harm or deny your real self.

We can only keep in or hide the truth for so long…

Before our bodies signal distress through illness or misfortune, or before a life-changing event jolts us awake, it’s crucial to realize that living with fear, guilt, shame, or self-doubt is not truly living. It’s a subconscious mode of survival that can’t be sustained indefinitely. Eventually, something inside us will insist on change.

I urge you to begin speaking up about your emotions, desires, and aspirations, as well as any negative thoughts burdening you. Sharing your deepest truths can shift your internal energy and help you regain strength from the debilitating thoughts and patterns undermining your wellbeing.

The fear, guilt, shame, and doubt you feel now are signs of past self-neglect. They arise from not expressing our true selves and from the inability to communicate our emotions and needs constructively.

The path to healing these blocks is not through denial, pretending, running, or numbing

You can’t sidestep these feelings, and deep within, you know this truth. The only path to healing is to move through them. It’s essential to find the courage to voice your true feelings, needs, ambitions, and thoughts right now, in the moment, with care and mindfulness—even if it’s terrifying, even if you fear others’ judgments.

Cherishing your life by embracing honesty, kindness, and openness actually breaks down the walls of fear, guilt, shame, and doubt. This self-embrace is a profound form of self-love. Allowing yourself to be genuine in every connection is how you start to trust and befriend your own heart. Each decision we make can either build this trust or erode it. Believing in your right to live authentically and healthily begins with treating yourself with compassion and recognizing your own worth.

Engaging in conversations about your inner feelings, needs, and hopes in a supportive environment is crucial for healing and well-being. This not only fosters self-understanding but also prepares you to bring this openness into challenging relationships or circumstances.

Respecting your inner voice doesn’t mean becoming harsh or assertive. You can share your thoughts in a way that’s both truthful and tender, without the need to hurt or overwhelm others. The goal is to foster a deeper connection with those around you, helping them to really see you, not to create distance or distress.

If you’re holding onto anger or resentment because you haven’t been true to your feelings, start by acknowledging your role. Realize that often, we’re actually upset with ourselves for self-neglect or for staying in harmful situations. Knowing how to assert ourselves respectfully can prevent much of this pain. Being sincere and kind in every interaction can transform relationships or reveal those that are no longer healthy for us.

If you lack a completely supportive friend or relative, don’t hesitate to consult a professional. Therapists, life coaches, healers, or doctors can offer help. I’ll provide a list of reliable online resources—no excuses not to seek support. Taking that step, even when you’re fearful or unsure, might be the breakthrough you need. Change starts with a new mindset and approach. If you’re feeling stuck, it’s a sign to rethink your strategy. Embrace the potential for change by staying open and vulnerable, instead of isolating yourself and pretending everything is fine.

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About Blake D. Bauer

Blake D. Bauer is the author of the international bestselling book You Were Not Born To Suffer. He has helped thousands of people around the world who could not find lasting solutions from conventional medicine, psychiatry, or religion. Blake has an extensive background in psychology, alternative medicine, nutrition, traditional healing, mindfulness meditation, and qi gong. Based on both his personal experience overcoming deep suffering, addiction, and adversity, as well as his professional work with over 100,000 people worldwide, his teachings integrate what he’s found to be the most effective approaches to optimal mental, emotional and physical health.

Photo by tabitha turner on Unsplash

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