Talk About It: Overcoming Toxic Loyalties, Shame & Anger


By Blake D. Bauer

Whatever you’re struggling with, whatever you feel shame or pain or frustration around, please find someone safe to talk to. Please don’t reject your inner world in the name of pride or survival or a toxic loyalty you have toward someone, because it will only make you sick or more unwell. Likewise, please do not abandon your emotional life or pain in the name of ‘being enlightened or spiritual.’ Pretending you don’t have emotions, fear or desire is not true wisdom.

There is a very big difference between not reacting impulsively to everything that arises within you and repressing your inner truth in the name of a false peace. Internalizing our feelings, needs, or calling is often a crutch for a simple lack of education around how to express ourselves honestly and kindly. Embodying true awareness and love arises as we learn to fill our thoughts, words and actions with gentleness and clarity, especially when we’re triggered, hurt and angry.

Many people learn from a young age that feelings, needs and dreams are forbidden. We’re told not to cry, to be quiet, or in many cases we’re shut down, made wrong, or ignored. We’re told ‘that’s not practical’ or ‘you’re too sensitive’ or ‘be strong,’ and then we turn this approach in on ourselves and cut ourselves off from the most profound forms of magic, beauty and connection available.

As an adult you can see these patterns that developed in childhood playing out in your current life situations. Ask yourself today: where is fear, guilt, shame, or self-doubt stopping me from expressing my feelings, needs, and visions honestly and vulnerably? What many people will recognize is that they are rejecting, judging, denying, repressing and abandoning very important parts of themselves that are asking to be voiced and honored right now.

You are meant to grow and you were designed to self-heal constantly

These natural processes cannot unfold when we continue to hide or make what’s going on inside of us wrong for any reason. 

If you have toxic forms of loyalty to an image of yourself that does not serve you, to hiding your inner world, or you have an unhealthy loyalty to a life partner, parent, sibling, job, or friend, it’s important to analyze honestly why you hold back or deny your authentic truth to maintain the relationship or the image of yourself you crafted. Every day is a new opportunity to question if the tradeoff for your precious time, energy, and health are still worth the self-harm and self-denial you’ve been choosing.

We can only keep in or hide the truth for so long…

before we get sick, have an accident, or life sends us some form of a wake-up call. Living in fear, guilt, shame or self-doubt is a form of unconscious survival and eventually the body, heart or mind will tell us that it cannot continue on this way.

Before you or a part of you breaks down, I encourage you to start talking about your feelings, needs, dreams, or any form of negative thinking that you’re suffering with. The more you talk about your inner truth, the more the energy will shift inside you and the sooner you’ll reclaim your power from the thoughts and habits that are not serving you.

Our fear, guilt, shame and self-doubt in the present, are merely symptoms of all the times in the past where we have mistreated and betrayed ourselves. These blocks are the result of not knowing how to voice our feelings, needs, dreams and negative thoughts in healthy ways.

The path to healing these blocks is not through denial, pretending, running, or numbing

There is no way around them and deep down you already know this. The only solution rests in moving into and through them. We have to learn to express our vital feelings, needs, dreams and thoughts in the present, in healthy mindful ways, even if we’re scared and shaking. Even if we’re judging ourselves or worried about the criticism of others.

Valuing our precious life by being honest, kind and vulnerable in the present literally eats and dissolves the fear, guilt, shame and self-doubt inside of us. This is how you actually love and value yourself. Giving ourselves permission to be true to ourselves in every relationship is how we befriend ourselves and learn to trust ourselves. Every choice we make throughout the day leads either to more trust in ourselves or to less. And the only way to deepen our faith in our right to live life in a way that is true and healthy for us is to treat ourselves as being worthy of kindness and worthy of feeling what we feel, needing what we need, wanting what we want, and thinking what we think.

Talking about our feelings, needs and dreams in a safe space is a necessary ingredient in healing and simply being well. This also gives us the intimacy and practice with ourselves to then bring this open authenticity into relationships or situations where we feel some degree of struggle.

Slowing down and honoring our inner world does not mean we become self-righteous or aggressive. We can express ourselves honestly and kindly, in gentle loving ways, even when we’re hurt, angry or overwhelmed. One of the primary purposes of sharing our inner truth is to connect more deeply with the people in our lives, and to help the people around us truly understand us. The purpose is not to push people away or to make them suffer.

If you’re struggling with anger or resentment in situations where you have not been expressing yourself fully, one of the primary keys to healing this is by taking responsibility for your part in the dynamic. The secret to our freedom here is to look at and think about the situation from the mindset that we are really angry at ourselves for hurting ourselves and for allowing ourselves to be around people who mistreat us. 

If we knew how to express ourselves and stick up for ourselves in healthy ways we wouldn’t be hurting ourselves and we wouldn’t be subjecting ourselves to hurtful dynamics. We would be far less angry, both at ourselves and toward others. The healthiest path forward is to be real and be kind with everyone in our life now and this will either reshape the relationship or help us realize we need to stop giving time and energy to it.

If you don’t have a friend or family member that you feel 100% safe and supported with, then please seek out a professional. There are many great options, ranging from therapists, life coaches, healers, or your medical doctor. I will list a few online options and resources below so there’s no excuse around asking for help. The key is to reach out, even if you’re scared, self-conscious or doubtful. It’s likely the key to your next breakthrough. Nothing can change unless you change your thinking and your approach. If you’re stuck then you have to accept that your current approach is not working. Everything can change when you decide to remain open, vulnerable and kind, rather than closed off and pretending to be ok.

Online therapy & support ideas:

Join Blake to learn more techniques for self-love and healing:


About Blake D. Bauer

Blake D. Bauer is the author of the international bestselling book You Were Not Born To Suffer. He has helped thousands of people around the world who could not find lasting solutions from conventional medicine, psychiatry, or religion. Blake has an extensive background in psychology, alternative medicine, nutrition, traditional healing, mindfulness meditation, and qi gong. Based on both his personal experience overcoming deep suffering, addiction, and adversity, as well as his professional work with over 100,000 people worldwide, his teachings integrate what he’s found to be the most effective approaches to optimal mental, emotional and physical health.

Photo by tabitha turner on Unsplash

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